Tuesday 11 September 2007

Filler - Random Facts You Don' t Really Need To Know

For every person on earth, there are an estimated 200 million insects. ----- We seriously need to start thinking about being nicer to them.


An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. ----- Britney Spears has been rumoured to be an ostrich.


Starfish don't have brains. ----- In other contrary reports,Britney Spears has been rumoured to be a starfish.


A perfect SAT score is 1600 combined. Bill Gates scored 1590 on his SAT. Paul Allen, Bill's partner in Microsoft, scored a perfect 1600. Bill Cosby scored less than 500 combined. ----- And now you know why Bill Cosby spends so much time with kids.


The ant, when intoxicated, will always fall over to its right side ----- Atleast we have something in common.


Actor Bruce Willis filed a lawsuit against the movie studio that produced his film "Tears of the Sun", alleging he was struck in the forehead by a fake bullet. Since 2002 (when the movie was in production), the lawsuit claims he endured "extreme mental, physical, and emotional pain and suffering". ----- He also started experiencing periods.


There are more cars in Southern California than there are cows in India. ----- That just cannot be true. Southern California cannot have more than a zillion cars. It just can't be.


Seven percent of Americans claim they never bathe at all. ----- Bush countered this fact in his latest speech by saying, "Look at the bright side....95% of Americans do bathe".


Horses and Rabbits cannot vomit. ----- Now you know why Bugs Bunny was an alcoholic.


A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours. ----- So I'm guessing a dragonfly would suffer midlife crisis around hour 12?


Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village" ----- I have a strange feeling India is a Canadian word meaning "bigger village".


Maine is the toothpick capital of the world. ----- If someone ever tells you they are from Maine, ask them to show you their teeth, and if there's any food stuck there, you'll know they are lying.


If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. ----- If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would be institutionalized. Stick to microwaves.


The Spanish word esposa means "wife." The plural, esposas, means "wives," but also "handcuffs." ----- Hmmmm...very interesting.


Russian scientists have developed a new drug that prolongs drunkenness and enhances intoxication. ----- I now have a new found respect for Russians.


Cat's urine glows under a blacklight. ----- Another reason why they consider themselves superior to dogs, who incidentally do not have glow in the dark urine. They can chase their own tails for hours though....and that's way cooler.


There is a new television show on a British cable called "Watching Paint Dry". Viewers watch in real-time. Gloss, semi-gloss, matte, satin, you name it. Then viewers vote out their least favorite. ----- Reason number 189 why I left UK.

Thursday 26 July 2007

Why We Don't Like Romantic Movies...

There are a number of reasons why I do not like romantic movies. I'm pretty sure I'm in the minority here, but I must speak for my people. The "We Don't Hate Romantic Movies But We Don't Like Them Either Committee"(also known as WDHRMBWDLTEC), consisting of approximately eight members, does not like romantic movies not so much because of the lack of quality or the over the top acting, but because of the content and the resulting reaction caused among the people who watch it. We feel it is a serious issue and therefore it must be addressed for the sake of the world's well-being.

We wanted to conduct an analysis but unfortunately we could not afford it on our budget of 5 dollars (We are an American based company. Where else could anyone come up with a name as creative as WDHRMBWDLTEC?). However our financial issues did not deter us and I was fortunate enough to be chosen by my people to write an article to bring to light the harmful effects and side-effects caused by mushy and over-sentimental cinema. We hope you realize the significance of this article and we would appreciate it if you did not read this with your partner if you have one as he/she/it might seduce you into thinking that romantic movies are okay. Believe me when I say this ---- They are not okay. Here are some reasons why:-

A) Unrealistic - Romantic movies are as unrealistic as a dorky kid being bitten by a spider, resulting in him having superpowers and saving the city in a supertight homoerotic costume. So why is it okay to like such movies? Why are movies with blue aliens in it okay?(We all know aliens are green). They are okay because they are so unrealistic you cannot completely relate to it unless you are suffering from a mental condition. Romantic movies on the other hand are about real people, but the content is anything but realistic hence leading to false hopes and unrealistic expectations from members of the opposite sex.

To provide you with an in-depth analysis into the deep dark world of such movies,we the WDHRMBWDLTEC sacrificed ourselves and actually sat through a few mushy, sentimental movies. It was a frightening, hair-raising, horrifying and bone-chilling experience, but we somehow managed to survive with the only harmful effect being the overuse of adjectives that mean the exact same thing.

We came to the conclusion that conventional romantic movies have two consistent patterns:-

1) Boy meets girl; both fall for each other; some misunderstanding causes them to separate; boy realizes he cannot live without her and she is "the one"; boy gives speech towards end of movie referring to girl's eyes, smile, voice, armpit hair etc. in front of 1700 strangely attentive people; crowd cheers wildly and some shed tears; girl loves speech; they live happily ever after.

2) Boy meets girl; he can't stop thinkin about her; he is too scared to express his feelings; girl feels the same way but isn't sure if the guy likes her; another guy(lets call him "jerk") enters the picture and girl dates him; jerk is made to look as much of a jerk as possible so audience roots against him and feels sorry for boy; boy can't take girl being treated badly; tries level best to wait right until jerk and girl's wedding ceremony to tell girl that jerk is a jerk and she deserves someone better like himself; crowd at wedding gasps; she says with tears in her eyes something along the lines of "Why didn't you ever say anything? I've always felt the same way"; they kiss; jerk is beaten up/humiliated; couple live happily ever after with beautiful kids.

Now the question you might ask if you actually cared would be "What's so unrealistic about that?" Well you'll know soon....

Unfortunately the WDHRMBWDLTEC could not afford the space required for the column as we spent all our money on sour grapes after being informed that the highest grossing movie of all time is a romantic movie. Therefore, we will have to continue our analysis next month.

Thank you.

Monday 9 July 2007

A Letter To Paris...



Dear Paris,

How are you? Firstly, I would like to say that I am writing this letter in pink because Wikipedia tells me it's your favorite colour. I know the last few months have been really tough on you, and I am therefore writing this letter to tell you that I am on your side.

Ever since your jail sentence was announced, people in America have been celebrating with unprecedented fervor. I know you have no idea what the last two words of the previous sentence meant, so let me put it in simpler words ---- Most Americans hate you. And to quote your famous words of wisdom, “That is so not hot”.


Every time I watch Jay Leno or Conan O’Brien on T.V., they make a cheap joke about you, and the audience claps as though it were the first time they realized that they had the ability to make noise with their hands. Who the hell even decided that slapping one hand with the other should be a sign of appreciation? I do not expect you to know the answer, so please don’t bother thinking about it.


You also have all the major news networks bringing on a bunch of depressed old women to trash you and say you’re a spoilt brat who should go to jail for a year. A year?? All you did was drive drunk. You didn’t kill or harm anyone. If there’s anything you should go to jail for, it’s your music album. The stars are blind, but unfortunately the humans are not deaf.


The main reason people, essentially the media, say they hate you is because you are famous for no reason. Well firstly, the media has no right to complain because they are what made you famous in the first place. You did not ask for them to follow you around everywhere you go. You did not ask them to watch your horrible reality show featuring your formerly chubby and now anorexic best friend. You did not ask them to take pictures of you reading “The Idiot’s Guide to Reading Books” upside down.


Secondly, I believe that you do deserve the fame you have. The sex tapes you made might have had poor production values and the dialogue left a lot to be desired, but it changed a lot of lives. Poor horny male kids who had nothing going for them could now say that they had you, Paris Hilton, naked in their bedroom. Other celebrities have since decided that they too need to show their sexual talents to the world as they have no other talents at their disposal. Oprah has her way of changing lives. You have yours. Who are we to judge which way is right, and which way is wrong? Please do not answer this question.


The truth is that no one gives themselves fame. Fame is given to you by the public and the media. The media thinks that you go around getting drunk and having sex with innumerable people because you want the publicity and attention. You and I both know that you are way too dumb to play the media. And if what they say is true, and they did get played, how incredibly stupid are they? The basic fact is that you are easy and that is all. If everyone hates you to this extreme level only because you are a slut, then that’s just sad. Personally, I would like to say that I love sluts. I am a budding one myself.


I think there’s a deeper, more psychological reason as to why you are derided as much as you are. It’s known as Schadenfreude, a German word that means “Taking pleasure in the suffering of others”. So the next time anyone disses you or tries to bring you down, just scream “Schadenfreude!”. Not only will it confuse the shit out of them, but it might also make people think you have a brain. Or maybe they’ll just end up thinking you’ve been having lots of German sex. You never know..


I would like to conclude this letter by telling you that you should be proud of who you are. You are the most high profile slut in the world. And you should be proud of it.


Yours sincerely,
Nishaan.



Tuesday 3 July 2007

The Double Cheese Crunch Adventure

Once upon a time, a month ago, three boys were sittin in a room with not much to do. Two of them, Mary and Juana(real names withheld for no particular reason), were stoners. The third, Manthan(that's the real name), was a sweet, innocent guy who didn't even smoke cigarettes but took in a lot of passive smoke and didn't seem to mind it. This is the story of what happened that fateful afternoon.


Mary and Juana had just got back from class and were really bored. It was too early to go and play, so they decided to just hang out in Juana's room. Juana was a regular stoner while Mary just smoked up occasionally. In came Manthan and he too had nothing to do. As Juana rolled a joint, the three just talked in general. Manthan was often an entertaining guy in his own way. This gave the stoners great joy as they had readymade material to laugh about.


Now if you do weed you must know what the "munchies" are. If you don't, well the munchies refers to the exceptionally undeniable craving for food, often a particular kind of food, after smoking marijuana. Now Mary didn't really like eating but he decided that today he must eat to his heart's content. Juana ate all the time but even more so when the munchies kicked in. But the interesting part was that Manthan, who doesn't smoke up, always seemed to suffer from the munchies more than anyone else. He talked about food as though he hadn't seen any in a month, when infact in most cases he had eaten 10 minutes earlier. He often gave the impression that food was to him, what sex is to normal guys.


So as they discussed what they should order, and made fun of Manthan, the Dominoes menu got their attention. They were really hungry now and Manthan went on about how they should all go out and eat. He liked to enjoy his eating experiences in good locations with exquisite ambience while the stoners just wanted to eat. As mentioned earlier, to Manthan food was like sex...this was probably his version of a "date" with food. Or maybe it was foreplay. The stoners convinced him to order in and after 5 minutes of painful expressions and sounds, Manthan gave in.


Now they had to decide what to order, and this is where Manthan gave the most beautiful speech ever....about food ofcourse. The stoners found this hilarious because the only guy who doesn't smoke up seemed to be suffering the most from the munchies. They listened carefully as Manthan intricately described "THE DOUBLE CHEESE CRUNCH PIZZA" with possible sexual connotations. The following is a summary of the famous speech:


"The double cheese crunch pizza is awezomee. See let me exblain. The crust has cheese in it and above that there's the topping....yanyyyyy topping of yanyyyy pizza you want....chiggen, pepperoni, barbegue yanythinggg. Above that topping there's moreee cheese, but its not the normal cheese....no no. It's this melted cheese dripppinggg zmooothly down the thin crizpy crust. mmmmmmmmm. Its simblyyy beautiful....the way they make it...you will easssily finish one whole pizza yourself. And you'll want more...."


(Manthan is South Indian)


After hearing this, Mary and Juana just couldn't stop picturing that beautiful picture Manthan had painted in their minds. They were seduced by The Double Cheese Crunch Pizza(DCCP). Unfortunately they just couldn;t afford it at the time. It broke their hearts like no woman ever could. They finally ordered some other pizzas from Dominoes but it just didn't feel the same....the Double Cheese Crunch Pizza could not be replaced.


So the next day, once again on the munchies, Mary decided he just had to have the elusive DCCP. He had just enough money and he wanted to enjoy it all by himself. He excitedly picked up his phone, called dominoes and ordered the DCCP. The person who was taking the order asked Mary if he wanted extra cheese and that it would be Rs. 40. Money was the last thing on Mary's mind right now and he said "yes" without a semblance of hesitation. It was all about the pizza....nothing more, nothing less. He just couldn't wait for it to arrive. These were the slowest 30 minutes of his life. He sat there twiddling his thumbs and just staring at his computer waiting....waiting in anticipation for the pizza of his dreams.


When he finally got a call from Dominoes to come out of his room to pick up the pizza, he couldn't hide the excitement in his voice as he said "sure!! I'll be out in a minute!!" He quickly paid the delivery boy and went into his room, locking it shut so that no one could disturb him from the most beautiful meal of his life. Mary sat down and slowly opened the box as if it were a treasure chest. There it was, glowing like the reflection of the bright sun on the sea. There it was, looking as enchanting as the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. There it was, The Double Cheese Crunch Pizza.


He carefully lifted a piece. He slowly moved it in the direction of his mouth because he wanted to cherish this moment forever, and not destroy it due to any haste. Slowly, steadily, he moved it closer to his mouth. As his mouth watered in anticipation, he finally took a bite of the scrumptious, heavenly pizza with melted cheese dripping all over it. And then he realized something. He HATES CHEESE.


He FUCKING HATES CHEESE.