Friday, 5 March 2010

Dating Advice From The Ultimate Playa - Mr. Venkatpathy "Muscles" Raju

Venkatpathy Raju is a world famous ex-cricketer who is now better known for his best-selling books “How To Make The Ladies Hot For You” and “The Ultimate Playa’s Guide – Making Pimpin’ Eazy”. Rumoured to have slept with over 5000 women, Raju knows the ins and outs of the dating game and is here to share his infinite knowledge on this very rarely talked about subject with you.
[The following has not been edited as Mr. Raju is very particular about his prose not being tampered with.]

Five Ways To Impress A Woman On The First Date

When people say the first impression of a person is being the last impression, they are being accurate. For example, two years ago I was at a nudist party at Mr. Navjot Singh Sidhu's house. I was sipping on Bacardi when from the corner of my expressive eyes I saw a girl with a mighty hot body grinding with a sofa. It being a nudist party, she was fully naked. Fully, I tell you! And that was my first impression of her.

Now I happened to meet this same woman a week ago at the park with her husband. She was wearing a salwar kameez and was covered from shoulder to bottom of foot (the outfit was a little long!), but I couldn’t help but picture her naked while conversing with her husband about my superb left arm bowling. This clearly proves that the first impression is being the last impression.

And that is why the first date is very important if you are looking to get into a woman’s undergarments. If you follow my advice below, I can guarantee you will be successful:

1) Pick lady up on a motorbike – Women like speed. At least that is what my drug dealer says. Just kidding! I don’t do drugs because they are bad for my sexy physique. But it is true that women like men who are manly. And what does manly behaviour encompass? Being fast and quick. (Not in bed, mind you!). If you don’t trust me, you are stoopid or you don’t watch television. I mean, have you seen any of those cool motorbike ads? All of them end with a woman getting seducted by the man with the motorcycle, so of course it must be true in real life! Why else would they keep showing the same thing?

Another advantage of taking her on a bike is that she will be holding on to your tummy, so that she does not die due to your super fast driving. Therefore, make sure you do 30 sit-ups about five minutes away from her house. I don't need to do it because I have 10 pack abs.

2) Take her to McDonalds, KFC or some other fast food chain – Women are often very insecure about their bodies even if they are measuring a perfect 42’18’46 (I like the big buttocks!). So what better way to tell her she’s not fat, than by taking her to a restaurant that serves the unhealthiest food?

3) Dress the part – Whether you like it or not, women will be judging you by your cover because you are not a book and that metaphor is very much stupid. Now you don’t want to make friendship with this lady, so you must make sure you don’t appear to be a “nice guy” because we all know that ladies like to make sex with the bad boys. It is therefore imperatative that you wear a leather jacket and lots of jewelry. As my African-American brethren would say, “them hoochie mamas like the bling”.

However you must make sure you wear less jewelry than her, otherwise she will get jealous and end up suspecting that you are a gay homosexual. And ladies do not like making sex with the gay men.

4) Be the part – It is not enough to just look a bad boy, you must also behave like a bad boy. “How do I behave like one?” you ask. Well, you are asking the right person! Begin by ordering the meal and drinks for both of you. This will show her that you are in control and women love men that are in control. That is why they like aeroplane pilots so very much. If she objects to this and says she’d like to order for herself, she is only testing you. Put your foot down and say “lady, do not be talking to me like that!”. Trust me, she will love it.

Also, make sure to maintain eye contact with her breasts at all times. This will indicate to her that you are not interested in her personality. If she tells you to “look up here”, turn the tables on her (not literally!) by saying that her cleavage reminds you of the day your dog died and start tearing up. It really does not need to make sense because now she will be thinking that you are bad boy who is deep down a sensitive man and the females love that! Just think of yourself as a combination of Amrish Puri in Mr. India and Shahrukh Khan in DDLJ, DTPH, KKHH, KKKG, OSO, KHNH and RNBDJ (I'm a big fan of King Khan!).

5) Talk about yourself constantly – It is very much a myth that women love to talk about themselves. The first two hundred ladies I was with didn’t talk about themselves at all. And they really liked it when I went on and on about my problems (such as how the Indian captain was stoopid for not letting me bat at number three and how my dick was being too large for my body). They liked it so much it always ended up with us making passionate sex and me then paying them. Okay, so maybe they were lady prostitutes but they are ladies at the end of the day. And all ladies are the same, amirite? Just kidding, ladies!

If you have nothing interesting to say about yourself (I never have a problem with that because I’m Venkatpathy Raju), then give her the meaningless details of what you did that day. Like how you walked across the road when the light showed red or how you had a hot water shower because it was cold outside. Also, make sure to tell her everything about your ex-girlfriend. The ladies love that!

Alright gentlemen, I think that should do! Remember to follow these guidelines and you will no doubt be a hit with the honeys! If you have any questions email me at Tata!


SummerDiary said...

finally :)

Nishaan said...

Finally indeed.

dranz3r said...

yeah man....finally! I suspected it was indeed the end!!

Nishaan said...

Well it was supposed to be but, as is the norm, I couldn't keep my word.

Anty said...

Good to see you blogging again.

Anonymous said...

"her cleavage reminds you of the day your dog died"!hahahahaha.. ;) uber-cool post! :)

Antigone said...

Too long a silence...your wit is being missed :)

The PRINCESS of ANGELS said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gayatri said...

hey nishaan. i used to love ur blog. i was recommending this blog to my sis when i noticed that you have deleted all my favourite posts. Oh god why. :( is there any way i cud access those posts again?

dreamy said...

Where the fuck did that post of yours vanish???

"my dog's orkut profile"????

PLEASE...I AM REALLY DEPRESSED RIGHT NOW...CAN YOU PLEASE that written piece of delight (namely your post named "my dog's orkut profile") to me

this is an EARNEST request from a fellow (ex)blogger. i NEED to read that post...please i beg you...

*breaks down*

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