Why We Don't Like Romantic Movies...

There are a number of reasons why I do not like romantic movies. I'm pretty sure I'm in the minority here, but I must speak for my people. The "We Don't Hate Romantic Movies But We Don't Like Them Either Committee"(also known as WDHRMBWDLTEC), consisting of approximately eight members, does not like romantic movies not so much because of the lack of quality or the over the top acting, but because of the content and the resulting reaction caused among the people who watch it. We feel it is a serious issue and therefore it must be addressed for the sake of the world's well-being.

We wanted to conduct an analysis but unfortunately we could not afford it on our budget of 5 dollars (We are an American based company. Where else could anyone come up with a name as creative as WDHRMBWDLTEC?). However our financial issues did not deter us and I was fortunate enough to be chosen by my people to write an article to bring to light the harmful effects and side-effects caused by mushy and over-sentimental cinema. We hope you realize the significance of this article and we would appreciate it if you did not read this with your partner if you have one as he/she/it might seduce you into thinking that romantic movies are okay. Believe me when I say this ---- They are not okay. Here are some reasons why:-

A) Unrealistic - Romantic movies are as unrealistic as a dorky kid being bitten by a spider, resulting in him having superpowers and saving the city in a supertight homoerotic costume. So why is it okay to like such movies? Why are movies with blue aliens in it okay?(We all know aliens are green). They are okay because they are so unrealistic you cannot completely relate to it unless you are suffering from a mental condition. Romantic movies on the other hand are about real people, but the content is anything but realistic hence leading to false hopes and unrealistic expectations from members of the opposite sex.

To provide you with an in-depth analysis into the deep dark world of such movies,we the WDHRMBWDLTEC sacrificed ourselves and actually sat through a few mushy, sentimental movies. It was a frightening, hair-raising, horrifying and bone-chilling experience, but we somehow managed to survive with the only harmful effect being the overuse of adjectives that mean the exact same thing.

We came to the conclusion that conventional romantic movies have two consistent patterns:-

1) Boy meets girl; both fall for each other; some misunderstanding causes them to separate; boy realizes he cannot live without her and she is "the one"; boy gives speech towards end of movie referring to girl's eyes, smile, voice, armpit hair etc. in front of 1700 strangely attentive people; crowd cheers wildly and some shed tears; girl loves speech; they live happily ever after.

2) Boy meets girl; he can't stop thinkin about her; he is too scared to express his feelings; girl feels the same way but isn't sure if the guy likes her; another guy(lets call him "jerk") enters the picture and girl dates him; jerk is made to look as much of a jerk as possible so audience roots against him and feels sorry for boy; boy can't take girl being treated badly; tries level best to wait right until jerk and girl's wedding ceremony to tell girl that jerk is a jerk and she deserves someone better like himself; crowd at wedding gasps; she says with tears in her eyes something along the lines of "Why didn't you ever say anything? I've always felt the same way"; they kiss; jerk is beaten up/humiliated; couple live happily ever after with beautiful kids.

Now the question you might ask if you actually cared would be "What's so unrealistic about that?" Well you'll know soon....

Unfortunately the WDHRMBWDLTEC could not afford the space required for the column as we spent all our money on sour grapes after being informed that the highest grossing movie of all time is a romantic movie. Therefore, we will have to continue our analysis next month.

Thank you.

A Letter To Paris...

Dear Paris,

How are you? Firstly, I would like to say that I am writing this letter in pink because Wikipedia tells me it's your favorite colour. I know the last few months have been really tough on you, and I am therefore writing this letter to tell you that I am on your side.

Ever since your jail sentence was announced, people in America have been celebrating with unprecedented fervor. I know you have no idea what the last two words of the previous sentence meant, so let me put it in simpler words ---- Most Americans hate you. And to quote your famous words of wisdom, “That is so not hot”.


Every time I watch Jay Leno or Conan O’Brien on T.V., they make a cheap joke about you, and the audience claps as though it were the first time they realized that they had the ability to make noise with their hands. Who the hell even decided that slapping one hand with the other should be a sign of appreciation? I do not expect you to know the answer, so please don’t bother thinking about it.


You also have all the major news networks bringing on a bunch of depressed old women to trash you and say you’re a spoilt brat who should go to jail for a year. A year?? All you did was drive drunk. You didn’t kill or harm anyone. If there’s anything you should go to jail for, it’s your music album. The stars are blind, but unfortunately the humans are not deaf.


The main reason people, essentially the media, say they hate you is because you are famous for no reason. Well firstly, the media has no right to complain because they are what made you famous in the first place. You did not ask for them to follow you around everywhere you go. You did not ask them to watch your horrible reality show featuring your formerly chubby and now anorexic best friend. You did not ask them to take pictures of you reading “The Idiot’s Guide to Reading Books” upside down.


Secondly, I believe that you do deserve the fame you have. The sex tapes you made might have had poor production values and the dialogue left a lot to be desired, but it changed a lot of lives. Poor horny male kids who had nothing going for them could now say that they had you, Paris Hilton, naked in their bedroom. Other celebrities have since decided that they too need to show their sexual talents to the world as they have no other talents at their disposal. Oprah has her way of changing lives. You have yours. Who are we to judge which way is right, and which way is wrong? Please do not answer this question.


The truth is that no one gives themselves fame. Fame is given to you by the public and the media. The media thinks that you go around getting drunk and having sex with innumerable people because you want the publicity and attention. You and I both know that you are way too dumb to play the media. And if what they say is true, and they did get played, how incredibly stupid are they? The basic fact is that you are easy and that is all. If everyone hates you to this extreme level only because you are a slut, then that’s just sad. Personally, I would like to say that I love sluts. I am a budding one myself.


I think there’s a deeper, more psychological reason as to why you are derided as much as you are. It’s known as Schadenfreude, a German word that means “Taking pleasure in the suffering of others”. So the next time anyone disses you or tries to bring you down, just scream “Schadenfreude!”. Not only will it confuse the shit out of them, but it might also make people think you have a brain. Or maybe they’ll just end up thinking you’ve been having lots of German sex. You never know..


I would like to conclude this letter by telling you that you should be proud of who you are. You are the most high profile slut in the world. And you should be proud of it.


Yours sincerely,
Nishaan.