A Letter To Paris...

Dear Paris,

How are you? Firstly, I would like to say that I am writing this letter in pink because Wikipedia tells me it's your favorite colour. I know the last few months have been really tough on you, and I am therefore writing this letter to tell you that I am on your side.

Ever since your jail sentence was announced, people in America have been celebrating with unprecedented fervor. I know you have no idea what the last two words of the previous sentence meant, so let me put it in simpler words ---- Most Americans hate you. And to quote your famous words of wisdom, “That is so not hot”.


Every time I watch Jay Leno or Conan O’Brien on T.V., they make a cheap joke about you, and the audience claps as though it were the first time they realized that they had the ability to make noise with their hands. Who the hell even decided that slapping one hand with the other should be a sign of appreciation? I do not expect you to know the answer, so please don’t bother thinking about it.


You also have all the major news networks bringing on a bunch of depressed old women to trash you and say you’re a spoilt brat who should go to jail for a year. A year?? All you did was drive drunk. You didn’t kill or harm anyone. If there’s anything you should go to jail for, it’s your music album. The stars are blind, but unfortunately the humans are not deaf.


The main reason people, essentially the media, say they hate you is because you are famous for no reason. Well firstly, the media has no right to complain because they are what made you famous in the first place. You did not ask for them to follow you around everywhere you go. You did not ask them to watch your horrible reality show featuring your formerly chubby and now anorexic best friend. You did not ask them to take pictures of you reading “The Idiot’s Guide to Reading Books” upside down.


Secondly, I believe that you do deserve the fame you have. The sex tapes you made might have had poor production values and the dialogue left a lot to be desired, but it changed a lot of lives. Poor horny male kids who had nothing going for them could now say that they had you, Paris Hilton, naked in their bedroom. Other celebrities have since decided that they too need to show their sexual talents to the world as they have no other talents at their disposal. Oprah has her way of changing lives. You have yours. Who are we to judge which way is right, and which way is wrong? Please do not answer this question.


The truth is that no one gives themselves fame. Fame is given to you by the public and the media. The media thinks that you go around getting drunk and having sex with innumerable people because you want the publicity and attention. You and I both know that you are way too dumb to play the media. And if what they say is true, and they did get played, how incredibly stupid are they? The basic fact is that you are easy and that is all. If everyone hates you to this extreme level only because you are a slut, then that’s just sad. Personally, I would like to say that I love sluts. I am a budding one myself.


I think there’s a deeper, more psychological reason as to why you are derided as much as you are. It’s known as Schadenfreude, a German word that means “Taking pleasure in the suffering of others”. So the next time anyone disses you or tries to bring you down, just scream “Schadenfreude!”. Not only will it confuse the shit out of them, but it might also make people think you have a brain. Or maybe they’ll just end up thinking you’ve been having lots of German sex. You never know..


I would like to conclude this letter by telling you that you should be proud of who you are. You are the most high profile slut in the world. And you should be proud of it.


Yours sincerely,
Nishaan.