Monday 13 April 2009

49 years?

At around 4 am this morning, as I was getting mentally ready to go to sleep, I heard what sounded like a baby wailing loudly outside. Considering my room is on the top floor and the sounds came from a seemingly close distance, I assumed that whoever was making the sounds was stuck on the bushy tree opposite my window. Further using my detective skills, I concluded that it couldn’t be a baby because babies don’t climb trees in the middle of the night. Nor do people throw babies onto trees anymore. Not in this economy.


My astute observations led me to believe that it had to be the classic case of a cat stuck helplessly on top of a tree. I went out to my balcony to check if I could spot the cat, but it wasn’t visible due to the aforementioned bushiness of the tree. I, however, did hear the cat continue to cry for help. I’m much revered in the dog community, but cats have always remained ambivalent towards me, perhaps in part due to my ambivalence towards them. Today, I decided to change this. “This is it”, I thought, “This is my chance to be a hero in the cat community”.


I headed downstairs, opened the main door and walked towards the frontyard [the backyard placed in front of the house]. The cat continued to yelp, but I still couldn’t see where it was whilst standing directly under the tree. I called out to the cat. “Tchu tchu tchu tchu tchu”, I said. The cat immediately stopped crying. There was complete silence for a few seconds. And then suddenly, as I heard the sound of leaves being ruffled, a brown cat [Brownie] raced down a thin branch of the tree safely and rather comfortably onto the ground. It scurried away to the gate on the right, leaving me with little time to react. But instead of running away, it just stood there. Staring at me. “Tchu tchu tchu tchu”, I said once more. Brownie continued to stare on blankly. “Why does this cat not get that ‘Tchu tchu tchu tchu’ is universal human to animal code for ‘Come here. It’s cool. I’m not going to hurt you’?” I asked myself.


Thinking it was probably shy, I took a seat on the stairs in front of the main door hoping it would somehow convey how grateful it was to me for giving it the courage to jump (walk) down from the tree. I mean, why else would it be wailing away until I got there? All it needed was moral support. Giving it one last try, I said “Here kitty kitty kitty” in my most feminine voice for three long seconds. Brownie did not budge.


I was ready to give up and walk away from my dreams of being a cat hero when I heard the leaves on the same tree being ruffled once again. I was deeply confused. “What the hell is making that noise?” I thought. My question was almost immediately answered as a jet black cat [Soulja Boy] scampered down the same slim branch and ran across me towards the bushes on the left. Like Brownie, who had disappeared while I was preoccupied with the second cat, Soulja Boy too stared at me for a few seconds from a distance. And that is when I got it.


I didn’t save Brownie or Soulja Boy, because clearly they didn’t need saving. No. What I did was interrupt two cats having some amazing interracial early morning sex. Brownie wasn’t crying, she was moaning. And the reason they were staring at me was because they were fucking pissed off.


And this brings me to the title of this true story – If a black cat crossing your path gets you seven years of bad luck, how much bad luck does a black cat crossing your path after you’ve just interrupted it having profoundly pleasurable sexual intercourse get you?

26 comments:

dranz3r said...

ROFL..!!
amazingly weird thoughts you have man...!!!
"this is my chance to be a hero in the cat community..!!!" hahahahahahahahahaha!!!

suarrr said...

b.r.i.l.l.i.a.n.t!

how does it happens to you only? or was it a made up story ? :-/ ..

awesomely written anyway..

ps:nice name for the black cat

Anusha said...

:) made me smile.

Anwiti said...

i've never read anything funnier! the last i found something so funny and the last something made me smile so, was jeeves.

Bhoploo said...

@ Suar - True story. This is too ordinarily bizarre to make up.

@ Everyone - Glad you'll were as amused as I was at the plight of two cats who just wanted some lovin'.

Anonymous said...

http://www.genderanalyzer.com/?url=http%3A%2F%2Fa-product-of-procrastination.blogspot.com

Bhoploo said...

@ Anonymous - That kind of hurt my feelings and made me cry.

dreamy said...

How did you become a hero in the Dog community?

Please blog about that too,someday :D

Anonymous said...

Fucking brilliant. I found this link on some social networking site, and I was hooked onto the post. Wonderful ending.

Bhoploo said...

@ Dreamy - Well, dogs have always been naturally fond of me. They pretty much treat me like I'm one of them.

@ thesongremainsthesame - Thankyouthesongremainsthesame.

Ann Dee said...

well they say a cat crossing your path is good or bad depends on whether you are a man or a mouse, but interrupting its "nature's call" may incur thunderballs... you better get the dogs guard you these next few days :)

Tanya said...

Hahahaha.

Razzer said...

It all depends on the mood and composure of the felines.

U disturb anyone while they screw and u get something that's globally true. a scrath on the face.:-)

Antigone said...

I just saw some crass b-grade horror flick involving a ghoul of a cat. some luck that such exciting things don't happen to us. interrupting a cat in heat is bad enough, imagine interrupting ghosts while they are making out.

Sanket Korgaonkar said...

This was so funny LOL :) Keep them coming.

Ranjini Raghunath said...

good one LOL :)

Sanity is Madness put into Good uses!! said...

LMAO ROFl LOLOLOLOLOL ... that was hilarious .. wish could see your expressions .. can imagine the cat's !! :)

Kaber Vasuki said...

Wow. That's the funniest thing I've read online for a long time. I shall be back :D

Olive Oyl said...

came across your blog and rolled off laughing, well almost :p poor cats. i think bad luck shall prevail for your whole lifetime. :p reminded me of a similar event under our car when i was scared that they are going to pull off the engine or something from the car, thanks to my great sense of engineering.

anyway, i am going to stalk your blog from now on. :)

Anonymous said...

http://www.genderanalyzer.com/?url=http%3A%2F%2Fa-product-of-procrastination.blogspot.com.....

nishaan...... a response?

Bhoploo said...

@ Everyone - Thank you for your time.

@ Anonymous - I already did. See above. Unless, you want me to seriously respond to the extremely scientific method of analyzing one's gender through words on a blog?

Lemon Girl said...

Simply wonderful :).

I have the same problems with the cat community, however the monkey community treats me like its own.

I know it sounds pretty weird to say this, still. I read through your whole blog and I fell in love with you.

Kitkat said...

Gud one man...
I donno abt the bad luck on Black cat crossing one's way...but u surely brought bad luck for Brownie & Soulja...:D

Harshan Sethi said...

DUDE, WHERE ARE YOU?

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Unknown said...
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